Submission to his will (& His)

Sometimes loving him well means letting him go…

A month ago my guy and I engaged in what has had to be one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had.  He had voiced his concern a few times about the stress that our relationship was causing him and as a result, we (and when I say we, I mostly mean he) decided that, right now, it’s best for him if he’s not in a dating relationship.  So we broke up.  I can’t even begin to express how much it pains my heart just to type those words.

For the first 2 weeks I prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  Truly loving someone is so, so hard.  I’m so proud of him for having the courage to make the hard decision and the conviction to stand by what he believes is best for him even when I argued and whined.  I want to cheer for him and congratulate him and tell him again and again how much I appreciate his leadership and wisdom when it comes to our relationship- he’s so much wiser and braver than me.  But the other part of my heart is struggling to save my tears for when I’m alone; I miss him terribly.

When we talked, we decided to spend some time apart and then reconnect as friends.  Again, he is so wise and I believe it’s a good plan.  But the waiting over the last month has been so hard.  One day a few weeks ago, when I was wrestling with God over the whole thing, he gave me some interesting insights and thoughts on the process.  This began me on a path of reframing some reoccurring thoughts that I had been having.

A few days before we broke up, when there was an indication that something was wrong, I promised my guy that I would submit to whatever he decided.  So during “the talk,” that’s what I had to do.  While a break from each other wasn’t what I wanted, I had committed to submit to him and his decision, so sitting there on his couch, I did- at least I though I did.  And then I came home and kicked and scream and acted more than little disgruntled about submitting- for at least 2 weeks.  But one day, God reminded me that “disgruntled submission” isn’t submission at all.  Stomping my feet and whining the whole way doesn’t reveal a heart of gratitude or respect for the one who I am called to submit to.  If I hope to honor God and honor my guy, I need to learn to submit with a grateful heart.  So here I am, proclaiming my respect and gratitude to my guy for doing the hard thing and loving himself and me enough to stand firm.

Sorry that there’s not much in this post about mental illness or bipolar disorder, but sometimes relationships are relationships and things are just hard.  Letting go is hard.  Submitting is hard.  And, unfortunately, I’m not very good at either.  I just keep praying for patience for me, healing for my guy, and for the minutes, hours, and days to pass quickly.  Although our 1 month time apart is over (by a day, but who’s counting??), I’m mustering all of my courage and patience to wait on him to contact me.  He’s working so hard to get healthy and the last thing that I want to do is derail him.  And so I wait, reminding myself that submission to my guy’s will and to my God’s Will is good, oh so good.


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